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We recently celebrated Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is right around the corner on June 19.  As children, many of us made sweet booklets, cards, and crafts for our parents to celebrate these special days.  We were filled with joy and pride when we got to hand them their heartfelt gifts.  Our parents are not the only people we celebrate in our lives though.  We have Grandparents’ Day, weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, bridal showers, anniversaries, retirements, etc.  

These holidays and special events can be hard to navigate when co-parenting from separate households.  As a parent, your children look to you as an example of how they should treat others.  Being kind when in their presence and when speaking about a loved one in your child’s life will show them it’s ok for them to celebrate people who are special to them.  It will also make them feel safe in sharing their true feelings with you about the special events they are looking forward to celebrating.   

The Parenting Time Guideline can help when you need to decide how to handle special holidays with a co-parent, but it is not a one size fits all solution when it comes to special celebrations.  Sometimes the best solution comes from you working together with the other parent.  Let’s say there is a family member of the other parent who is getting married next month on a weekend that is supposed to be your weekend.  If both parties can be flexible and agree, you can switch weekends so your child can spend time with the other side of his or her family.  Working together to accommodate a child attending a special celebration is a great way to show your child that both sides of their family are and should be an important part of their lives. 

Many children do not live full time in a home with both of their parents.  Acknowledging the other parent’s special day and encouraging your child to celebrate them is a great way to reinforce that it’s ok for a child to love both their parents.  They’re not picking a side or a favorite.  Children sometimes have a stepparent they’d like to celebrate for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day as well.  Celebrating a special person in a child’s life doesn’t mean they are replacing anyone – it is acknowledging the number of loved ones in your child’s life.  Shopping with your child for the other parent is also a great way to bond with them and shows them that, even though you aren’t together anymore, you still care about the other person as a parent to your child. 

Another circumstance that can be difficult for families to navigate is when the parent not in the home is deployed or stationed in another state or country.  This makes it impossible for them to physically celebrate with their child.  Thanks to technology, we can video chat with each other, text, email, and call our loved ones.  For example, as a child, I didn’t have the advancements the internet, computers, and smartphones provide for families now so my mom would make sure I sent letters to my dad who was stationed in Germany at one point and then Louisiana.  It’s also helpful during the times of deployment for the children to spend some time with the grandparents, aunts, and uncles on the other side of their family.  This helps them learn more about themselves and their parent when geography gets in the way. 

During the Pandemic we have all had to adapt and find creative ways to celebrate our loved ones.  We’ve had drive-by birthday parades, zoom dinner parties, and have even live-streamed wedding ceremonies!  We’ve worn masks when we are indoors together and resisted the urge to hug.  We’ve had no choice but to be flexible and resilient.  You can apply the same principles to co-parenting to help your children celebrate special occasions for both sides of their family.  You can navigate special celebrations as a co-parent.  You can make a difficult circumstance doable to put your child’s needs first. 

If you have questions about the FOC that you think would be helpful to address in future columns, please send them to the FOC email address:  foc@cassco.org