I do not fear snow. I do not fear “accumulation,” “lake-effect,” or the recently-termed “polar vortex.” These winter words do not bother me because I am ready.

I have my trusty Snow-Chucker 6000, powerful enough to ingest great swaths of two-foot deep winter driveway dandruff and deposit it in the middle of my neighbor’s front yard. I have coveralls cut from cloth blended to shed water, retain body heat, and make me feel like I am watching the sunset at Mallory Square in Key West. I have boots designed to keep the cold out and make the tips of my toes feel like they are dug into the sand on a Jamaican holiday.

I do not fear the ravages of winter because I have gloves, hats and the ability to ignore the ice hanging from my beard. I live here at the Center of the Universe, where we get winter; I am not afraid — I am prepared. Also…I have no idea what “Polar Vortex” means.

But, now, winter is over and spring is supposedly upon us — “supposedly” being the operative word. The snow has stopped, temperatures are making their slow ascent (although bikini weather is still a long way off — but worth waiting for), and my Snow-Chucker 6000 has migrated to its off-season residence in the back shed. With the long awaited changing of the seasons, and in preparation for the transition from driveway clearing to lawn manicuring, I treated myself to a new acquisition — a Lawn-Groomer 6000.

This summer season toy has a 54-inch mower deck, zero-turn steering radius, laser tracking with GPS guidance system, and the ability to mix a mean margarita. To be honest, I didn’t want the margarita maker option, but it came with the Climate Control Package (and I really wanted the air conditioning).

Remember the old adage about April rains bringing May flowers and Mayflowers bringing uninvited immigrants? Well…what do May rains bring — day after day of May rains — week after week of May rains?

The one thing this constant rain does not bring is the opportunity to fire up my brand new Lawn-Groomer 6000 with the option to chill down a pitcher of ice-frothed adult beverages, served in a glass with a salt encrusted rim.

I am sick and tired of rain! Of course I was tired of the weeks of sub-zero weather back in January, and I am certain I will grow weary of temperatures that push the 100-degree mark in July. But, that doesn’t concern me right now. Right now, I want to mow my grass while seated on an air-cushioned command chair. I want to cut, bag, mulch, trim and manicure my lawn. I want to play with my new toy!

However, at the rate the rain has been falling and my grass has been growing, I might need to consider investing in an after-market option for my Lawn-Groomer 6000 — the pull-behind hay bailer (with Wi-Fi and Bluetooth). Otherwise, I’m just going to quit watching it rain, get off my front porch, drive this untested machine around the block, and mix me a pitcher of strawberry margaritas.

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com