Big John Hudson burst through the front door of Sarah’s Diner, tossed his ball cap down on the table with the enthusiasm of a demolition crew finally getting the opportunity to bring down the Pucker Street Dam, and assumed his position at the big round table as the last to join the conversation — and the first to say something questionable.

“I’m going back to college,” he said with all the authority and commitment of someone that might have actually attended college in a previous life.

“You went to college?” asked Jimmy, incredulously. “When was that?”

“Sept. 1, 2007. First football game of the season. University of Michigan lost to Appalachian State, 34 to 32. I was so disillusioned with college life, I never again stepped foot on another campus.”

“Meaning no one ever gave you free tickets to another game,” scoffed Harrison Winkle.

“And he was disillusioned,” added Firewalker, surprised that Big John had used the word properly.

“Let’s assume you have attended college before,” countered Tommy Jones, the octogenarian elder statesman of the Circular Congregation Breakfast Club. “Why did you quit, and why are you going back?”

“Oh, I never quit,” Big John answered honestly. “I never went to my first class. If you don’t start, you can’t quit.”

“That math works,” Firewalker responded, in continued surprise over John’s meandering logic. “Why didn’t you attend class?”

“It was at the community college. The application was free.”

“That’s your favorite price,” scoffed Harry. “But, that doesn’t explain why you never attended.”

“The application was free, but the tuition wasn’t,” Big John replied. “Neither were the books and lab fees. That stuff ain’t cheap. That free application costs a whole bunch of money.”

“Did you apply for any financial aid?” asked Mort. “You might have been eligible for a low-interest student loan or scholarships or even grants. Community colleges are very good at helping students find money. That’s how they stay in business.”

“Yep. The college folks were really good at finding money for me. They were a huge help,” John answered in a way that only created more questions. “But, they didn’t tell me I had to attend the classes EVERY DAY! Even worse, some of the classes were really early — like in the morning, when I should have been here having breakfast with you guys.”

“I’m sure we could have gotten along without you for a few semesters,” Jimmy reassured Big John. “Although, we wouldn’t have had such stimulating conversations, like this one.”

Tommy Jones finished his omelet and tomato juice before returning to the conversation.  “If you have such an aversion to attending classes every day, and have an even stronger dislike for missing breakfast, why are you thinking about returning to academia?”

“Oh, I’m not going to Academia,” answered Big John. “That’s too far away. I’m just going to the University of Pennsylvania.”

Big John’s response made Tommy think John should return to fifth grade geography class.

“Okay, then…” Tommy began slowly, in hopes that John could keep up, “Why are you returning to college, even though you never went in the first place?”

“I found a course that is perfect for me,” Big John said with smile and a positive nod to Sarah as she tipped the coffee pot over his near-empty cup. “It’s called ‘Wasting Time on the Internet.’ It’s offered by the University of Pennsylvania, it only meets on Wednesday afternoons for three hours, and it is an in-depth study of how to waste away precious hours on the internet. This course was made for me.”

“If you want to learn how to surf websites, you don’t need a college degree,” sneered Harry. “Mort could show you that stuff for free.”

Mort beamed with pride, knowing his talents were finally being recognized.

“Yes,” Big John answered, “but, a college education will look good on my resume.”

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com