Last week, this reporter drew the short straw and was granted an exclusive interview with perpetual political candidate, Arnold Tobin.

As you may recall, Mr. Tobin has dipped his toe into the political waters several times, with nothing to show for his efforts — other than a wet pant leg (but, that could have been political commentary from his neighbor’s dog). This is a continuation of that conversation.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, why do you think you have lost all of your previous election attempts?

Arnold Tobin: Election inequality, plain and simple, Luis. Every one of my political opponents received more votes than I did. That just isn’t fair. Something needs to be done about an election system that pits winners against losers.

Interviewer: You’ve made the announcement that you intend to form a completely new political party. Can you tell us more about your plans?

Arnold Tobin: Certainly, Liam. Our political climate is a veritable anal blast of titles, brands, labels, and name calling. We have Republicans, Democrats, Socialists, Democratic Socialists, Libertarians, Liberals, Conservatives, Neo-Conservatives, Tree-Huggers, Tree-Fellers, Hardliners, Leaners, Moderates and Nunyas.

Interviewer: Nunyas?

Arnold Tobin: Yes, Lorenzo. These folks make up the ever-growing chunk of voters that firmly believe, “None-Ya candidates are worth my vote.” My research tells me that this group could be the largest voting bloc in American politics.

Interviewer: I’ll probably need to fact-check that information.

Arnold Tobin: You do that, Lance. Come on down to the Diner any morning for breakfast and ask the real voice of American politics what they think. Our political landscape is so well bovine-fertilized, the pundits have had to reduce the conversation to a box of children’s Crayons — Red states, Blue states, Purple districts, Green regions. Take a look at any of the polls — right now, the candidate that would get the most votes is some guy named “Undecided.”

Interviewer: I may have seen that in some of the polls.

Arnold Tobin: Of course you’ve seen it, Linden. I have been listening to the folks that will no longer vote Red, or Blue, or Green because all that ever got them was a choice between something just as bad or something even worse. America needs a completely new political party — a party specifically established for the disenchanted, disenfranchised, or just plain disgusted — a party for those that are fed up with the Reds, Greens, Blues, Magentas, Cyans, and Rainbow Splashes. I am announcing the birth of Team Beige — the political voice for the huge block of voters that just aren’t quite sure.

Interviewer: What would be the planks of your party’s platform?

Arnold Tobin: First, we would promise to do nothing.

Interviewer: Doing nothing is your political strategy?

Arnold Tobin: Lumpy, it isn’t a strategy — it’s a promise. Every time a political party gets into power, they change the rules to benefit themselves. That means, the rest of us are constantly adjusting to a completely new way of doing things.

Americans are resilient folks — we don’t need the government giving us solutions to problems the government created. We just need to be left alone so we can figure out how to work around those problems. The real issue is that the people that make the rules, keep changing the problems. It is well documented that our political leaders introduce political solutions for problems that don’t even exist.

Interviewer: Well documented? That is a bold statement. Can you give me an example of a solution in search of a problem?

Arnold Tobin: Ever hear of Daylight Saving Time, Lloyd?

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com