This reporter was granted an exclusive interview with perpetual political candidate, Arnold Tobin. As you may recall, during previous election cycles, Mr. Tobin has chosen these publications to announce his candidacy for various public offices. As you may also recall, he has lost at every attempt.

Interviewer: Hello, Mr. Tobin. Thank you for taking time out of your allegedly busy schedule to speak with me, today.

Arnold Tobin: Well, Louis, it’s always my pleasure to speak with members of the Fourth Estate. You know, I worry about your kind.

Interviewer: My kind?

Arnold Tobin: Yes, Lorenzo. Is it true that journalists are now listed as an endangered species?

Interviewer: The real ones are flourishing, but thank you for your concern. Mr. Tobin, are you preparing to announce your candidacy for the 2020 election? If so, what office will you be seeking?

Arnold Tobin: Good job, Lance. You got right to the point. There’s no sleeping in late in your parent’s basement. The real news, today, is that I am not announcing my candidacy for any political office.

Interviewer: Then, why did you leave me a message stating that you have a major announcement? I could be chasing after a scoop on recreational marijuana or small house communities.

Arnold Tobin: Lamont, in 2016, a gazillion people ran for President on the Red Team. For 2020, it looks like even more folks than that are going to toss their hats into the ring and run on the Blue Team.

Interviewer: This isn’t a Congressional hearing. You can get to the point — I hope.

Arnold Tobin: Lonny, the good thing about this country is that we have a lot more folks than just the bunch on the Red and Blue teams. There are hopefuls considering a run on the Green Team. Some of the Green group and some of the Blue kids are honked off at their respective parties and have teamed up to form the Cyan Team. Even a few Blue and Red politicians are starting to see eye-to-eye and are talking very Magenta. Heck, there’s even a Rainbow Team.

Interviewer: Yes, Mr. Tobin. I understand we have a very colorful electoral system.

Arnold Tobin: Just the other day, Lars, I heard on a radio talk show that there are around 500 people running for the office of President of the United States of America. Think of that, Lester — 500 people, each with his or her own agenda on what is best for this great country of ours.

Interviewer: I will need to fact check that.

Arnold Tobin: That is a whole bunch of folks on the left and a whole bunch of folks on the right. But, Leopold, it is more than just Left or Right — it is up and down, over and under, here and there — there are folks all over the place with all kinds of agendas, all wanting to pull this country in all kinds of directions.

Interviewer: Still waiting for some kind of announcement.

Arnold Tobin: The one group not represented by a color, Lumpy, is the bunch of folks that sit smack-dab in the middle — leaning neither right, left, up, or down — the voters that don’t make up their minds until they walk into that tiny little voting booth. Who represents them, Lemondrop?

Interviewer: This sounds more like a quiz, than an announcement.

Arnold Tobin: Today, I am announcing the formation of a completely new political party to represent the real decision makers in American politics — the Great Undecided. Today, in this very newspaper, I am announcing the birth of Team Beige — the political voice for the huge block of voters that just aren’t quite sure.

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com