TYREE: Do you hate shaving?

Stubble” is my middle name.

No, not really. But I do find myself occupying that No Man’s Land…er, LOTS of Men’s Land… of not wanting a beard but not enjoying the whisker-removal process, either.

Yes, I’m venting about the drudgery known as “shaving.”

Shaving is mind-numbingly boring, and you can’t even employ the coping mechanisms you use elsewhere in life. You can’t exactly tell your chin, “Yes, dear. No, dear. Is that right? Only seven more shades of mauve to try on?”

Most men can make only rough estimates of how many thousands of hours they waste in front of the bathroom sink. I have the calculations down to a science, because my whole life flashes in front of my eyes every time that sharp piece of metal comes at me.

Even on a good day and armed with my time-tested Barbasol shaving cream, razor burn is a problem. I know how Helen of Troy felt; my face feels like it launched a thousand ships.

Yes, my skin is sensitive. Don’t blame the victim. (“Your honor, that pouty ‘come hither’ face was just begging me to scrape it.”)

Gillette Venus razors for women used the slogan “Reveal the goddess in you.” My razors typically cajole, “Reveal the Type A-Positive in you.”

At least I don’t have to worry about the SPF of my sunscreen, as long as there are enough plies to the squares of toilet paper on my face.

After all the fuss, the benefits of shaving are so fleeting. You’d think you could enjoy going out in public for a prolonged time if you just kept five o’clock shadow in the back of your mind. But beards are big Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett fans. (“It’s five o’clock somewhere!”)

You know that one-tenth of one percent of germs that disinfectants don’t kill? Hair follicles try to be just as macho. Even if you use more blades than the Seventh Cavalry, even if you go over your entire face six times, from every angle…once you get out in public, that little Hitler ‘stache suddenly becomes obvious. You go from expecting flirtatious winks to receiving neo-Nazi salutes.

I hope you realize this column is an invitation to a pity party and not a plea for some elitist know-it-all to ride to the rescue with a jovial exhortation of “I guarantee you’d come to love the shaving experience If you’d just invest in the proper instrument and…”. These are the bozos who promise you, “If you’d just listen to TOP-OF-THE-LINE bagpipes while devouring your premium sheep’s intestines…”

Sorry, but newfangled razors are not a viable part of my budget. Ocean cruises are in the same category. But at least while I’m shaving, I can dream about little chunks of me getting to go down to the river and eventually out to sea.

Not so long ago, I was a teenager wielding a styptic pencil. Now my 14-year-old son Gideon has started having to deal with “peach fuzz.” He is not enamored of the hassle, which shows a rising level of maturity.

Yes, naive little boys 10 years Gideon’s junior can’t wait to grow up and shave just like daddy. Just imagine their other childish notions.

(“Daddy, if I’m really good, will the Easter Bunny bring me a colonoscopy? When I’m grown up, should I leave Santa Claus milk and cookies and an alimony check?”)

Education

EPS reports no threat to students following report of suspicious individual

Berrien County

LMC supports Biden’s plan for free community college

Dowagiac

Mobile medical unit providing free ultrasound, STD testing

Berrien County

Niles man, Buchanan woman share experiences from COVID-19 vaccine clinics

Business

Greater Niles Chamber of Commerce celebrates business award winners

Dowagiac

Dowagiac Police Log: April 30-May2

Dowagiac

Dowagiac National Guard Hosts Food Truck Muster

Brandywine Education

Tri-County Head Start planning new Cass County facility

Cass County

Cass County commissioners support four-year terms

Berrien County

Broadband survey finds lack of access for Berrien County residents

Cass County

COA partners with health department to deliver vaccines to homebound residents

News

Local EMS to deploy COVID-19 treatments in-house to high risk patients

Berrien County

Niles MSP post searches for missing man

Berrien County

COVID-19 UPDATE: Berrien, Van Buren counties report new COVID-19 deaths

Buchanan

Buchanan woman named junior member of American Angus Association

Berrien County

Berrien County Conservation District hosting native plant sale

Cass County

Cass County Fair to host Spring Fling Campout

Dowagiac

Town and Country Garden Club to host annual plant sale

Dowagiac

PHOTO STORY: Dowagiac elementary students thank nurses during National Nurses Week

Edwardsburg

Biggby Coffee location opens in Edwardsburg

News

Fort St. Joseph archaeology virtual camps coming this summer

Business

Two new businesses receive ribbon-tying ceremonies from Dowagiac chamber

News

Niles Renaissance Faire returns May 15 to Plym Park

Cass County

Cassopolis man injured in shooting at Constantine little league game