This month, I had the chance to talk to Dr. Jenuwine and Dr. Katovsich again about co-parenting relationships: 

Q: What are the most common challenges?

A: Some of the most common challenges surround the process of decision-making.  Parents’ decisions vary from choices like what to make for a child’s lunch to more important matters such as when to seek medical care, how to address a child’s academic difficulties, and what sports or other activities to arrange for a child.  When parents live together, they often follow an unspoken system for communication and decision-making. When parents live apart, however, communication is typically limited making decision-making difficult.

Parents also struggle with sharing time with their child. Questions arise about who will be watching a child — what will they feed the child — will the child be adequately supervised? Parents struggle with feeling powerless and letting go of control triggering a whole range of emotions. Often, parents who are nervous about their child being away convey their negative emotions to their child, either directly or indirectly, making separation more difficult.

Co-parents should resist the temptation to call, text, or otherwise contact their child during time with the other parent. During longer periods of separation (i.e. several days), it might make sense to build in a time for a quick phone call or video chat. This should be arranged with the other parent in advance.

Spontaneously calling or repeatedly texting your child when they are with the other parent can undermine your co-parent, and become an additional source of stress for your child. Children often report feeling guilty and feeling like they have to take sides in a “no-win” situation which triggers anxious feelings.

Co-parents should resist micromanaging the other parent’s time. Some parents unilaterally schedule activities for their child knowing they will conflict with the other parent’s visits. When one parent enrolls the child in a sport that has regular practices or games that occur during the child’s time with both parents, the other parent is forced to either bring the child to the games and practices, or deprive the child of full participation.

Q: What can parents do to overcome these challenges?

A: One of the most important things parents can do is consciously choose to invest more time and energy into cooperating with their co-parent for the sake of their children, which may eliminate unnecessary conflicts.  Parenting styles differ as do communication patterns and approaches to conflict resolution. Parents can develop ground rules for communication and decision-making, which may build healthier and more functional co-parenting relationships and parent-child relationships. 

Parents must refrain from speaking negatively about their co-parent in the presence of their child and support their child’s relationship with the other parent.  When conflicts arise, parents are encouraged to avoid reacting impulsively.  It is acceptable and at times necessary to take a break and tell your co-parent, “Let’s discuss this later” or “I need some time to think.” 

Positive, healthy and functional co-parenting relationships involve flexibility and careful consideration of which battles to fight.  If parents have a hard time establishing ground rules and achieving good communication, seeking the guidance of a professional counselor or mediator may help. 

If a parent needs to talk about their frustrations, it is important to choose someone who will adequately protect children from any information they learn concerning problems with the other parent. Therapists have a duty to maintain confidentiality, while friends and relatives do not.

Friends who merely agree with you without honestly providing feedback may increase your negative feelings toward the other parent and possibly instigate you to act in ways you may later regret. Also, keep in mind that venting to relatives is hard on them, particularly if they will have continuing contact with your co-parent and children at future functions.

We look forward to bringing you more news from the Cass County Friend of the Court next month.  Until then, if you have questions about the FOC that you think would be helpful to address in future columns, please send them to the FOC email address:  foc@cassco.org

Carol Bealor is the director at the Cass County Friend of the Court.