Last month I provided information about Cass County FOC’s Parenting Academy.  Dr. Michael Jenuwine and Dr. Rebecca Katovsich co-facilitate the Parenting Academy with input from FOC staff.  Michael Jenuwine practices as a clinical psychologist and mediator at Forensic and Clinical Psychology and Colby House Mediation Services in Dowagiac, Michigan. He is also an attorney and serves on the faculty of the Notre Dame Law School.  Rebecca Katovsich is the Clinical Director of Shepard House Counseling & Psychological Services, P.C. in Cassopolis and St. Joseph, Michigan. She also serves as adjunct faculty in the Graduate Department of Psychology & Counseling at Andrews University.

A common question that comes up during the Parenting Academy is how parents can successfully navigate the co-parenting relationship when parents raise children in separate households.  I had the chance to talk to Dr. Jenuwine and Dr. Katovsich about this question and other common challenges faced by separated co-parents.  Here is what the three of us talked about:

One of the biggest misconceptions people have when separating or contemplating divorce is “once this is over, I’ll never have to deal with him/her again!” Unfortunately, it is not that simple.

Once couples have children together, ending their marriage through divorce or otherwise ending their non-marital relationship does not stop their relationship with the other parent.

Although the relationship will undergo significant changes, the need to be mindful of and interact with the other parent will continue, even after their children reach adulthood and have kids of their own. The sooner separating parents recognize this and begin to re-negotiate their relationship with the other parent, the better off the entire family will be. A major part of that re-negotiation is navigating the co-parenting relationship.

Q: What is co-parenting?

A: Co-parenting, also called “shared parenting” or “joint parenting” describes a relationship between two parents who are not in a marriage or an otherwise committed relationship. Co-parenting usually happens between two individuals who live in separate homes, yet share the responsibilities of parenting a child or children. A co-parenting relationship typically involves divorced or separated parents who have shared parenting time (where the children spend some time living with each parent), joint legal custody (where the parents share major decision-making), or both.

Together, co-parents jointly contribute to meeting their children’s needs and making decisions about their children’s lives. Understanding co-parenting from this perspective should make it obvious that parents need to continue communicating and collaborating with the other parent in order to act in the best interests of their children. Although individuals who are divorcing or separating may never want to “deal” with each other again, that is not realistic in the context of an effective co-parenting relationship. Good co-parenting requires a continuing relationship marked by patience, communication, and empathy.

Q: How are children negatively impacted by conflict in the co-parenting relationship?

A: In the real world, all children see their parents argue or disagree at some point. Whether a mother and father are still together as a couple or have separated, there is no such thing as a relationship entirely free from conflict and disagreement.

Parents who relate to each other in a calm and positive manner even when disagreeing, however, show their children that conflict can be resolved in a healthy manner.  Exercising this type of approach to differences that arise in the co-parenting relationship not only minimizes the negative impact on children, but actually may teach children important conflict-resolution skills of their own, which will serve them well later in life.

When parental conflict is frequent, is heated and hostile, and involves yelling and insults, children will suffer psychological consequences. Parents whose disagreements result in physical aggression at one extreme, or withdrawal from an argument where the parents give each other the silent treatment at the other extreme, are harmful to children.

Children are aware of unresolved conflict between their parents, whether or not they have directly witnessed the disagreement. Certain children are prone to internalize their parents’ conflicts and conclude they are somehow to blame.  Some kids become anxious and retreat, isolate or withdraw in order to steer clear of their parents’ disputes.  Others may actively seek to mitigate parental conflict by attempting to personally intervene or in some fashion align with one or both parents. 

It is important to understand that children whose parents are in conflict can easily wrestle with divided loyalties.  Loyalty conflicts for children can arise when feeling close to and enjoying time with one parent leads them to feel disloyal to the other parent.  As you might imagine, this has the potential to create an impossible dilemma for a child whose parents are at odds.  It is relatively common that children seek to please their parents and to solicit their approval and acceptance. When divided loyalties are at play, these natural tendencies can become especially burdensome and challenging for the child in relating with both parents.      

Q: How do children benefit from a cooperative co-parenting relationship?

A: Children benefit in many ways when their parents get along.  In the absence of unhealthy discord, children trust that they have permission to love both parents and naturally feel less divided. Healthier co-parenting relationships serve to produce independent and confident children who have strong self-esteem and fewer emotional or behavioral problems. The value of a cohesive and functional co-parenting relationship cannot be underestimated. 

A child deserves to feel secure in their relationship with each parent and to trust that their parents are able to successfully communicate and act cooperatively on their behalf, even when the parents do not like each other.

Q: Why is the co-parenting relationship so challenging?

A: While not all co-parenting relationships are difficult, those we encounter in our clinical practices often involve individuals who are struggling and consequently seek the services of a professional.  In many cases, the cause of the conflict is not a great mystery, as the same problems parents experienced together as a couple commonly carry over into the co-parenting relationship following separation or divorce. Learning how to get along with someone with whom you have  experienced intense conflict or for whom you may continue to harbor negative feelings may feel like an impossible task.

Redefining your relationship as co-parents is essential. The best advice to parents is to focus on your children. If you begin to plan how you act toward your co-parent with a focus on the best interests of your children, you will move toward effective co-parenting. It is those parents who cannot see beyond their own feelings who continue to engage in destructive co-parenting behaviors that are detrimental to their children.

If you have questions about the FOC that you think would be helpful to address in future columns, please send them to the FOC email address:  foc@cassco.org

We look forward to providing you with another question and answer session in our next column with Dr. Katovsich and Dr. Jenuwine talking with me about additional questions/challenges faced by parents raising children in separate households.

Carol Bealor is the director at the Cass County Friend of the Court.