“I’m speechless. Just dumbstruck. I don’t know what to say about it.”

Big John Hudson burst through the front door, threw his ball cap down on the table and announced (as he usually did) something completely irrelevant (as it usually was). John and his boisterous appearance (as it usually was) filled the remaining seat at the big round table occupying center stage at Sarah’s Diner.

His presence completed the morning circle of dining compatriots that were unofficially known as the Circular Congregation Breakfast Club. Big John’s bombastic announcement was impolitely ignored by everyone else at the table (as they usually did). “I just can’t find the words…,” he lamented.

“And yet, you continue to try,” grumbled Harrison Winkle as he looked up at Sarah with a faint smile and a slight wink. “I hear they’re having weather in the Thumb this week,” he mumbled in a half-hearted attempt to steer the conversation towards anything that had nothing to do with whatever Big John might be referencing.

“There’s no weather at all in South Dakota,” Jimmy chimed in, “I read on the internet that, due to budget cuts, they had to cancel all weather for the month of July. They probably won’t be getting any more until the legislature comes back from recess.”

“That’s just bad planning,” added Mort, hoping to keep the anti-Big John movement going. “Have you been to South Dakota? They should cancel the weather in February. It’s brutal.”

“I remember when things were so bad, we had to reuse the weather from the year before,” mused Tommy Jones, the senior member of the group. “Weather forecasters had to take the entire year off because everyone knew what was coming.”

Firewalker quickly jumped into the conversation because he knew any lull would give Big John the chance to steer this innocuous conversation over the nearest cliff (and Cliff was having no part of it). “I read about that. Wasn’t that the year Madonna, Brittany Spears, and Miley Cyrus did absolutely nothing worth talking about?” He thought for a brief moment and added, “And that West guy. What’s his name?”

“Kanye?”

“No. Adam West. Who is Kanye West?”

“Really. I am just dumbfounded…” continued John, as he ignored being ignored. “It is beyond words.”

“I find a dictionary and a thesaurus usually help in situations like that,” Harry winced when he realized he had just commented on John’s comment (which was not how the game was supposed to be played).

“You had to use the dictionary because you couldn’t spell ‘thesaurus.” Jimmy tossed in a softball insult in hopes of helping Harry escape from Big John’s conversational black hole.

“I heard that Illinois had to eliminate budget cuts because their constitution doesn’t allow it,” Mort piled on in a fervent attempt to pull Harry back from the brink. “They’re thinking about taxing Indiana for every mile of shared border. Wisconsin now has an Illinois Sanctuary policy allowing folks in Illinois to move to Wisconsin with no questions asked – even the ones from Chicago. Iowa offered John Deere tractors to help plow things under and start over. ”

That one made too much sense. It even shut up Big John Hudson.

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.