Malcolm James Thornwhistle (of the Downhampton Thornwhistles) was a world renowned adventurer and Nerf gun marksman.

He was best known for his discoveries of the Canary Cage Islands in the upper St. Joseph River (which are usually submerged, except for three days during River Fest in August) and his unrivalled success at winning Nerf gun duels against his two younger brothers.

During one of his early exploratory travels, slogging his way up the forceful currents of the Mighty St. Joe in his trusty Jon Boat (powered by a 75 horse power Evinrude), Malcolm happened upon a group of three escaping students. He knew they were escaping students because one of them called out to him, “Hey, we’re escaping students. Can we climb into your funny boat and get out of here?”

Malcolm had been raised by his sainted mother to answer, “Of course you can. You must have a very good reason for being escaping students.”

His pragmatic father raised him to ask, “Are you nuts? This is an 8 foot, flat bottom boat, with enough outboard pulling power to haul Tommy Bartlett and six other skiers through the Wisconsin Dells.”

Malcolm compromised between the two influences and politely answered, “It’s called a Jon Boat and I only have enough room for the cute girl.”

That didn’t work out very well. None of them could figure out who the “cute girl” was.

“What are you escaping from?” Malcolm asked, because it seemed like the courteous thing to do (in light of his failure with the “cute girl” line).

“We are escaping from being students,” answered the first student — the one that had originally called out, “Hey, we’re escaping students.” Malcolm discovered his name was John when the boy asked, “Why is your boat named after me?”

“We don’t want to be students anymore,” responded Rebecca. “We’ve learned all that we need to know. Do you know what I mean?”

Malcolm had no idea, but nodded graciously. That’s what his mother would have done.

“School tries to teach. We want to learn,” answered the third escaping student, named Chuck. “School wants us to learn by telling us stuff. We want to learn by experiencing things.”

Malcolm considered responding with, “If I stick you behind the wheel a car for the first time and don’t tell you how to drive, will you learn how to drive or will you get to experience a car wreck?”

That is exactly what his father would have said. Instead Malcolm said, “That’s interesting.”

“What else is there to learn?” asked Rebecca. “I don’t know of anything else that I need to know.”

“That’s right,” answered Malcolm, “You don’t know.”

“We’re escaping to Nirvana,” offered John.

“The band?” Malcolm asked.

“The place,” Chuck explained. “I read about it in a book.”

“How are you going to get there?” Malcolm asked, as he winced in preparation for whatever answer might be coming.

“I didn’t read the whole book,” explained Chuck, with a “what kind of stupid question is that?” type of attitude, “I don’t need to know where it’s at – I have a NAV App on my phone.”

“Well,” Malcolm responded, “Good luck on your travels.” He slid the flat bottomed boat back away from the river bank, cranked up the throttle slightly, and gently nosed the boat upstream. “Here’s hoping your battery stays charged.”

“Where did we end up on the whole helping us escape thing?” shouted John, as the trio ran along the river bank trying to keep pace with Malcolm’s boat.

“Like I said,” replied Malcolm for the second time, “I only have enough room for the cute girl.”

The escaping students came to an abrupt stop and exchanged glances. None of them could figure out who the “cute girl” was.

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.