Part 1

Introduction
At the beginning of recorded pre-politcal history — before the writings of the renowned historians Herodotus, Flavious Josephus, and Xenophon — folks learned to raise their voices, their hopes and their fists in a fervent search for political leadership (and personal gain). Flavor Flavious was among the first to document and translate the historical encryptions of three tribes that once coexisted along the lush and fertile coastal savannahs of western Nevada.

The Intolera Lactosians
Due to their religious philosophy and general ignorance of the importance of fruits and fiber, the Intolera Lactosian diet consisted mainly of wild game and maple syrup, which caused great morning back-ups at the tribe’s lone temple and sanitation facility, known as the Dropitarium (similar to a present day combination palm reader and Porta-Potty).
Long lines, midnight snacks of leftover chili and the lack of good printed reading material made the wait for the morning tithe gift-giving less than pleasant. The customary tribal greeting was not a cheery “good morning” but the ominous lament, “You don’t want to go in there.”
Flavor Flavious reported that the tribe’s single Dropitarium was strategically located next to a short waterway known as the Mel Brook, which raged manically toward the eastern shore of the Lower Intestinal River. Every morning, the entire tribe assembled next to the stream and waited in line for their turn to leave a gift at the Temple of Dropadump (the Intolera Lactosian mystic deity of regularity). Occasionally, non-tribal members (known as “Thosepeople”) living illegally in the eastern hardwood forests, but hoping to assimilate into the Intolera Lactosian culture, would sneak out from behind the trees and make their way into the morning Dropitarium worship line.
This uninvited inclusion caused the morning lines to grow longer and Lactosian tempers to grow shorter.
“Someone needs to fix this mess,” someone mumbled. Flavor Flavious was not clear as to whom registered the first gripe, but he was clear that it came from far back in the line, where the well-worn path ended and the grass still had roots. “Why are Thosepeople in our line?”
Someone else, further back in the line where the grass had even deeper roots, mumbled a little louder, “They should go back to where they came from. There are plenty of trees in the forest.”
Another disgruntled tribal member, so far back along the path that the grass resembled weed, protested even louder, “Someone should build a wall and keep Thosepeople in the woods where they belong.”
Far too much grumbling transpired, and 19 Lactosians stepped forward to offer their leadership (17 wiped with their right hand and two wiped with their left hand — but they all wiped). Their plans for solving the problem ranged from “what problem?” to “your place in line should be directly proportional to the size of the gift you intend to deposit.” Or, “Temple gift giving should be regulated, taxed and must meet minimum and maximum size allowances,” and, “All right handed wipers Monday, Wednesday and Friday. All left handed wipers on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. All ambidextrous wipers should be shunned.”
The elders, known as the Clearer Thinking, gathered together after their morning worship (which is what made them clearer thinking) and listened impatiently to the proposals of all 19 candidates. All points of view were carefully considered and quickly discarded.
The Clearer Thinking decided the key to quieting tribal discord was to give them all something to blame. It was obvious to everyone in attendance that poor time management was the culprit of all their woes.
The solution? The tribe needed a Timekeeper to lead them. Someone who could take control and expedite traffic in and out of the Dropitorium.
The Clearer Thinking elders selected the best man for the role of Timekeeper: the only one with a watch.
The first Lactosian Timekeeper, Solarius Dial, stood at the entrance to the Temple of Dropadump every morning and used his position of power and influence to keep the business of the tribe moving. After eight years, Dial addressed the elders and announced “enough is enough.”
The Clearer Thinking again gathered together and ushered in history’s first peaceful transition of power as Solarius Dial passed the title of Timekeeper on to the next selected leader, Timex of Wrist.
The pattern of peaceful transition continued with the administrations of Swatch, followed by Jewell Movement (the first woman Timekeeper), and concluded with the last great Timekeeper, Rolex, the wealthiest and gaudiest of all Timekeepers.

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.