Big John Hudson burst through the front door of the diner, tossed his ball cap down on the big round table and hesitated for a just a moment before shaking his head and quietly proclaiming, “I’ve got nothing.”

The Circular Congregation Breakfast Club meets at the diner, albeit informally, every weekday morning for coffee, conversation and whatever mayhem might transpire. Usually, the conversation gets a kick start when Big John bounces through the front door and makes some ridiculous comment about a topic of little relevance to anyone’s life. On this particular morning, John’s well of preposterous commentary was bone dry — leaving the remainder of the membership to take up the slack.

“How’s the campaign going?” Harrison Winkle asked Arnold Tobin. It was the type of question that would usually generate several minutes of politically irrelevant rhetoric. Arnold is a perpetual candidate for any elective position that might possibly fall into his lap, but is not a fan of the effort required to mount a serious political campaign — or any effort related to actually getting something done.

“I’ve given up on the idea of running for president. It looks like the American voters want a choice between someone that looks like he just ate a dill pickle, someone that might have dementia because under oath they just can’t seem to remember important details, or someone that can’t pronounce the letter “H.”

“The letter ‘H’?” asked Jimmy.

Jimmy chooses to completely ignore the political circus and makes up his mind based on which candidate will give him the most things to complain about over the next four years. He is a big First Amendment supporter because, if he can’t complain about the government, what’s the point of having breakfast with this bunch of guys? He might just as well sleep in.

“You know…the one that says ’yuge’ instead of huge,” Arnold explained. “I’ve decided to run for vice president, instead. It suits me better — all the vice president does is go to funerals and sit behind the president during the State of the Union speech…and look good.”

“That leaves you out,” laughed Big John, oblivious to what his own mirror reflects.

“If good looks was a requirement for VP, how did Spiro Agnew ever get the job?” snorted Tommy Jones, the group’s most senior member.

“What’s a Spiro Agnew?” queried the befuddled and much younger Big John.

“He was Nixon’s vice president, for about an hour and a half,” explained Tommy. “But, it turns out he was a crook.”

“Aren’t they all?” snorted Jimmy, happy to have something to complain about.

“Maybe, but Agnew got caught being a crook and had to resign. Nixon nominated Jerry Ford to replace Agnew. Then Nixon got caught being a crook…”

“I thought Nixon told everyone that he wasn’t a crook. He said it right on TV with his little dog Checkers as back-up,” interrupted Arnold.

“Turns out, he misspoke,” smirked Tommy, as he continued with Big John’s history lesson. “Nixon then, also, resigned in disgrace. Ford became President and nominated Nelson Rockefeller to take his place as Vice President. Ssssssoooooo…to sum things up, Nixon and Agnew win in a landslide, resign in a mudslide, and we end up with a president and vice president that couldn’t navigate a playground slide. The United States of America was led by two guys that hadn’t received a single vote for either office.”

Big John Hudson sat uncharacteristically quiet for a few moments as he absorbed the realities of American politics from the not-so-distant past.

“Well…,” he began slowly and thoughtfully — very unusual for Big John, “If we could survive all that, we can probably get through just about anything the current batch of bozos have to offer.”

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.