The, as yet, unfinished history of war

Published 8:00 am Thursday, July 30, 2015

This is a history lesson, told in three parts, contrived in the truest sense of fabricated historical recording. In Part 1, we learned about the Intolera Lactosians — a tribe with a diet of wild game and maple syrup, and inventers of the first out-houses. In Part 2, we learned about the Dairias Homogenus — a vegetarian clan of harvesters, imbibers, and master party planners.

The Pisceseans

Unlike the Intolera Lactosians, who occupied the eastern shore of the river, and the Dairias Homogenus, who settled the western lands, the Pisceseans controlled no land mass at all. They were an aquatic band that established a floating village of inter-connected rafts, anchored mid-stream. The river offered power, food, and prime real estate values. As the Piscesean population grew, more rafts were added to the flotilla. Flavor Flavious reported that, at the peak of the Piscesean culture, the floating population swelled to “a boatload” of people.

Pisceseans ate whatever the river offered. Fish, turtles, frogs, kelp, and bulrushes were mainstays of the Piscesean diet. Flavor Flavious documented their breath as being “fish nasty” or “yucky bad” — translations are unclear as to the correct usage of the ancient word “pee-eue’

The river provided food and a way to remove the remnants of that food. The flowing waters of the mighty Upper and Lower Intestinal purified the floating village by washing away everything that shouldn’t be hanging around.

The Pisceseans were lead by a succession of river men, known as “Popeyes.”  The first recorded Popeye was Wimpy who is considered to be the inventor of credit. He created the method of eating today and paying for it later with his system of “Gladly Paying Tuesday for a Fish Burger, Today”.

Wimpy was followed by three of the most unstimulating leaders of any water-born culture — Pontoon, Dredge Platform, and Barge. Nothing about them was ever written, handed down by oral tradition, or scrawled on walls of underwater caves. The only reason to suspect they even existed is because someone said something about them somewhere in the Wikipedian Sagas…so, it must be true.

The Boring Era was immediately replaced by the Craft Dynasty of Chris-Craft, Starcraft, and MasterCraft — all experts and visionaries of aquatic transportation.  Under their leadership, mahogany and teak became objects of reverence and awe. The value of these objects was underscored by the lack of floating forests. The only way to acquire these rare and prized treasures was to send stealth teams of special operation loggers, known as Swypers, onto dry land and into the deep deciduous forests that filled the eastern domains of the Intolera Lactosians.


We Need What You Have – The Beginnings of War

Each tribe had all of the things that they needed and minimal awareness of any of the things that they did not have.

The Intolera Lactosians had forests of hardwoods and a preponderance of toilets. The forests provided wood for shelter, game for eating, and materials to construct a plethora of sanitation facilities. However, they did not know they lacked the mainstays of fruits, vegetables, hemp rope, and aged grape squeezings.

The Dairias Homogenus were a peaceful, enlightened, clan of vegetarians that sat around hemp rope fires, drinking aged grape juice, searching for the rules that govern us all. They had no sanitation or individual homes, nor did they see the need for it.

The Pisceseans had water power, open and flowing sewers, trout, and high real estate values. What they lacked was dry land on which to grow lumber for expanding the flotilla.

One fateful evening, a team of stealth Piscesean Swypers was caught dragging a felled mahogany trunk by a Lactosian hunting party. This irritated the already irritable Intolera Lactosians to no end. A poorly pitched battle ensued as the Lactosians yelled loudly and jumped up and down with obvious agitation. The Pisceseans dropped their log and ran for the river as fast as their sea legs could carry them, with the Lactosians in close pursuit (waving their arms and shouting newly created swear words).

The fleeing Pisceseans avoided the flotilla and crossed the river to the western shore. This was the earliest (and only) Piscesean military tactic ever recorded, known as the “Go Someplace Else to Get Beat Up — Don’t Bring Them Home to Beat Up the Rest of Us,” maneuver.

The wet, and fish smelling, Pisceseans swam ashore and ran directly into the Dairias Homogenus’ sacred Celebration of Rules. The Pisceseans were immediately followed by the equally wet, but not quite as fishy, Lactosians. Both tribes tore through the Sacred Celebration, knocking over tankards of grape squeezings and dousing the ceremonial hemp rope fire with their soggy sandals. The usually placid Dairias Homogenus stumbled to their feet shouting, “Harsh. Harsh. Harsh,” and initiated a Keystonian chase, pursuing the two interloping tribes. The rule of “Don’t Harsh the Party” had been broken and the Dairias Homogenus were finally going to enforce a rule!

According to the unprovable writings of Flavor Flavious, thus began the history of warfare!

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at