Terrible things have happened to me. Terrible, terrible, over-powering, will-sapping, awful, terrible things. Terrible things, such as fudge, and cookies, and candies, and turkey, and ham, and mashed potatoes, and gravy, and pies, and…wait just a few moments…I have to catch my breath and rest up before I can complete this list.

By the way, this wasn’t just once. It kept happening, over and over again. We had dinner on Christmas Eve, brunch (the REAL kind with biscuits and gravy, pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon and NO FRUIT) on Christmas morning, another gathering on the day after Christmas, and then again on Sunday. Every time I saw someone, I ended up with a full plate in front of me, followed by second helpings.

I have two refrigerators full of left overs!

In just a little more than one week’s time, I gained eight (yes, I looked at the scale three times, just to make sure it wasn’t broken) pounds!

However, true to my nature, I must brag that I had lost nine pounds, just before gaining back the eight pounds. Therefore, I am proud to announce that I have made it through the Season of Gluttony with a net loss of one pound (aren’t you impressed?)

My motivation for following this new alimentary path was to give that beautiful woman in my life a good reason to be seen with me in public – my blood pressure, cholesterol, and lethargy had nothing to do with it. I started out, stumbling along this very narrow nutritional alley, before Thanksgiving. I was good. I lost a few pounds each week and was making a concerted effort to build new habits — which is nutritionist mumbo-jumbo for quit eating like a pig. I even made it through the Mother of All Meals — Thanksgiving Dinner — without gaining a pound. I was so proud of myself and told everyone that would listen (and several that didn’t want to) how great I was doing with this “diet thing.”

Now, as I let out my belt by one more notch, I look back at 2014 and forward to 2015 with squinting eyes, peering over fattened cheeks, and reflect back on my lack of ambition to make any New Year resolutions. In this regard, I am very much like just about everyone else. The only resolution I have ever kept was the year I resolved to not make any resolutions.

One year I cheated and resolved to quit smoking, even though I don’t smoke. I was certain this was a slam dunk resolution; one I could actually keep. That was way back in 1976, the year my first child was born. I smoked a cigar in celebration of her birth — and broke my resolution. As resolution breaking goes, this was my favorite one to break.

I’ve considered resolving to lose all the weight I regained and get back on track with my diet. However, that’s a good way of dooming this “diet thing” to failure. I think I’ll resolve to forget about dieting — and just quit eating like a pig.

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.