Arnold Tobin announced his candidacy for office — any office — in May of this year. By all definitions, his is a unique write-in campaign, primarily focused on the people that are eligible to vote, but just don’t bother. With only a few weeks left before the election, Mr. Tobin granted this pundit his only media interview. Sitting at the large, simulated oak, round table in the center of the diner, Arnold spoke candidly about the goals and purpose of his candidacy.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, thank you for meeting with me today.

Arnold Tobin: No problem, Leonard. When you said you would buy breakfast, I was all in.

Interviewer: To be clear, what office are you seeking?

Arnold Tobin: Well Leroy, that is the best part of this campaign. I’m not running for any particular office, affiliated with any particular party, attached to any particular policy, or beholden to any particular funding. I’m just telling people that don’t care enough to vote — and there are a lot of them — to write in my name and show the world how much they don’t care. More importantly, I want them to know that I stand with them in their apathy – I don’t care what office they elect me to.

Interviewer: What gave you the idea to campaign for the votes of the “Great Non-Involved”?

Arnold Tobin: A great question, Lester. Just about every time we have an election, out of all the people in this country that can vote — that’s folks over eighteen, live where they are voting, and aren’t felons — most don’t even bother to vote. Usually more people don’t vote, than do vote. I don’t know how anyone could win any election when that little handful of actual voters is split up among so many contenders. I’ll let the Red candidates chase after the Red voters, the Blue candidates can court the Blue voters, and likewise the Green folks can do what they do. The restrictions on who can and cannot vote are not very restrictive — all kinds of people CAN vote, but most of them just choose not to. Forget the Red, Blue, or Green — I want the Beige vote. I want to be the voice for the Great Non-Involved.

Interviewer: As the “Voice for the Great Non-Involved,” what is your message?

Arnold Tobin: I’m glad you asked that, Lance. I promise to not break any of my campaign promises by refusing to make any campaign promises. Once elected, I won’t vote for or against anything — things are bad enough, there is no need to make them worse. More importantly, if you like the roads you’re driving on, you can keep them — if you don’t like them, you can drive someplace else.

Interviewer: Your name does not appear on any ballot. How do you expect to garner any votes?

Arnold Tobin: You’re on fire, today, Lionel. That is another great question. Have you ever considered doing this for a living? My name doesn’t need to appear on the ballot. A voter can simply write my name in the space provided — they do provide a space, don’t they? It’s easy. Even I can do it.

Interviewer: Well, Mr. Tobin, I want to thank you for your candor and honesty. Do you have any parting thoughts?

Arnold Tobin: Vote for Arnold. You have no reason not to.

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.