WILSON: Arnold’s take on the debate

Published 8:39 am Saturday, October 17, 2020

After the recent political debate, this reporter sought out the opinions of perpetual candidate, Arnold Tobin. Mr. Tobin has always been willing to over-share his political thoughts concerning the events of the day. I took this opportunity to get his take on…well…whatever that was.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, thank you for sitting down with me and sharing your observations about the most recent debate.

Arnold Tobin: Wasn’t that the most hysterical thing you have ever watched on TV? I’m telling you, Loopy, I popped up a big bowl of popcorn, curled up on the couch, and laughed my butt off. It was great fun!

Interviewer: You thought the debate was fun?

Arnold Tobin: Absolutely, Ludwig. First, the one guy interrupted the other guy, then the moderator started to interrupt, then the other guy interrupted the first two. For a while there, I didn’t think any of them were going to shut up. I thought I was watching a sitcom free-for-all on the first season of the Fox TV Network. It was as if “Married with Children” and “The Simpsons” were having marriage counselling, live on “The Jerry Springer Show.”

Interviewer: How much of the debate did you watch?

Arnold Tobin: Good question, Lackluster. I know a lot of people felt the candidates acted like two belligerent siblings, forced to sit in the backseat of the family car, on a drive to someplace that neither mom, dad, or the kids wanted to go. But after it got interesting, I couldn’t get enough.

Interviewer: After it got interesting?

Arnold Tobin: You bet, Lucky. Once the moderator drove that hell-bound train off the cliff, I felt as if I was watching an MMA cage match — with snot-nosed kindergarteners as the contenders.

Interviewer: Hell-bound train? Cliff? Did you have an issue with the moderator’s performance?

Arnold Tobin: No issues at all, Linguine. But I did have a tiny little complaint. Going back to my analogy of the obnoxious kids in the back of the family wagon — he sounded like a hapless dad, trying to drive, while two obnoxious urchins pummeled each other in the backseat. I could almost hear him saying, “You two had better behave, or I am going to turn this car around and go right back home!” When has that ever worked on a 6-year old — or a politician?

Interviewer: What would you have done differently?

Arnold Tobin: Oh, I could never be a moderator, Lars. I’m too lazy for that. I would have asked my questions, stood back, and let the two fools show the world what they are made of. Both of the candidates brought their own shovel to that debate. I would have let them dig their holes just as deep as they wanted. Then, watched the voters laugh at them as they tried to dig their way back out.

Interviewer: Who do you think benefited most from the debate?

Arnold Tobin: Without a doubt, Proctor and Gamble, Lawton.

Interviewer: I don’t understand. Why Proctor and Gamble?

Arnold Tobin: Well, Lumpy, P&G are the folks that make Pampers diapers. There are plenty of jokes about what most politicians and some members of the press are full of. I’ll let your readers fill in the blanks.

Interviewer: Thank you for your insight, Mr. Tobin. Do you have any parting words for the electorate?

Arnold Tobin: Vote for Arnold Tobin. Obviously, you could do much worse.