WILSON: Arnold fills a slow news day

The 2020 election season has proven to be a little boring. Without the whoop-ti-do and fanfare of balloon and confetti filled political conventions, with the looming possibility of no face-to-face debates, and without in person back slapping/baby kissing/hair sniffing photo-op moments, politics has become difficult to present as exciting and newsworthy.

In search of finding something worth putting into print, this reporter dug deep below the surface of politics-as-usual and found — zero, nada, zip, butkis, a bone-dry well. Therefore, a no holds barred interview with perennial candidate Arnold Tobin seemed to be better than writing a lackluster article about lackluster campaigns, run by lackluster candidates.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, thank you for taking time out of your busy day and speaking with me.

Arnold Tobin: My pleasure, Lancaster. I’ve been in my basement since March, binge-watching episodes of ‘70s and ‘80s sitcoms. It’s great to have some face-to-face time with someone other than Fish from “Barney Miller.”

Interviewer: There appears to be a groundswell of protest coming from people that are rejecting, what some are calling, the “Orwellian mandate of Big-Brother brand facemasks.” I noticed you are not wearing face covering today. Are you in support of this movement?

Arnold Tobin: Larson, I rarely talk about my faith, but I am an Orthodox Seclusionist. Our belief teaches us to observe the High Holy Days of Quarantine by covering our faces, gathering around the internet and praying to the governor for release from our trials and tribulations. To many within the flock, it feels like they have been wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, the promise land is just across the river, and the bridge keeps getting closed for another two weeks.

Interviewer: What are your thoughts on the economy?

Arnold Tobin: I don’t think about the economy, Linkletter. Like everyone else, I make a little money, I spend a lot of that money, and I hope to save a tiny little bit of it. The only difference between any of us is that some do a better job making the money. Others are better at spending the money, and many have IRAs (or they would never have been able to save any money, at all).

Interviewer: What is your take on the unrest in many of our cities?

Arnold Tobin: You hit the nail on the head, Langley. “Unrest.” Your word, not mine. The solution to this is simple — folks need to get more rest. A couple of good nights’ sleep and everyone is going to feel better in the morning.

Interviewer: That does sound rather simplistic. Do you have a plan on how to accomplish this?

Arnold Tobin: I’m surprised no one has thought of it before, Letterkenny. Just send everyone home when it gets dark.

Interviewer: Are you calling for an enforced curfew? Would you bring out the guard?

Arnold Tobin: Nope, Lincoln. I’m calling for bedtime — plain and simple. Someone has to be the parent that turns off the lights and says to the kids, “Go to bed. Tomorrow is a school day, and you need your sleep. Yes, you can have a drink of water and, no, there is no orange monster under your bed.”

Interviewer: Again, thank you for your time and these very insightful responses. One final question — with the election less than two months away, what is your message to the voters?

Arnold Tobin: Another brilliant question, Landon. If I had to sum up my message, in as simple of terms as possible — I did not make any of these things happen and, if elected, I will continue to not make things happen. That is not a campaign promise — that is how I live my life.

Education

Niles Community Schools’ remote platform allows students to go at own pace

Business

Dowagiac business donates backpacks, school supplies to students in need

Cassopolis

Miss Cassopolis Scholarship Program hosting school supply drive

Berrien County

Berrien County Health department gets blunt on marijuana education, safety

Cass County

Two Dowagiac men sentenced Friday in Cass County Court

Cass County

Cass County works to expand broadband access

Edwardsburg

Ontwa Township passes 2.25 percent millage increase

Berrien County

Local talent development leader honored by Michigan Works! Association

Cassopolis

Cassopolis awards preliminary marijuana licenses

News

Niles police chief looks forward to continuing work with city, two departments

Cass County

North Pointe Center class partners with church for cemetery cleanup project

Berrien County

COVID-19 UPDATE: Michigan sees 113,863 cases, 6,623 deaths

Cassopolis

Cass County to partake in annual Crop Hunger Walk

Brandywine Education

Performing Arts Workshops launches memorial fundraising campaign

News

Court of Appeals rules secretary Benson acted lawfully in mailing absentee voter ballot applications to registered voters

Dowagiac

SMC welcomes new dean of business, advanced technology

Dowagiac

Dowagiac Elks to host annual Guys & Dolls Golf Outing

Cass County

Michigan Works! closes central office, opens three new locations

Berrien County

MSP traffic stop data reveals need for deeper study

Berrien County

Ballard staff member tests positive for COVID-19

Cass County

Two arrested on meth charges in Pokagon Township

Berrien County

Lakeland Heart and Vascular earns testing reaccreditation by IAC

News

Court of Appeals: Absentee ballot mailers were lawfully distributed

Cassopolis

Our Father’s Family Keeper Ministries helps families in need during pandemic