WILSON: Arnold fills a slow news day

Published 8:14 am Saturday, September 5, 2020

The 2020 election season has proven to be a little boring. Without the whoop-ti-do and fanfare of balloon and confetti filled political conventions, with the looming possibility of no face-to-face debates, and without in person back slapping/baby kissing/hair sniffing photo-op moments, politics has become difficult to present as exciting and newsworthy.

In search of finding something worth putting into print, this reporter dug deep below the surface of politics-as-usual and found — zero, nada, zip, butkis, a bone-dry well. Therefore, a no holds barred interview with perennial candidate Arnold Tobin seemed to be better than writing a lackluster article about lackluster campaigns, run by lackluster candidates.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, thank you for taking time out of your busy day and speaking with me.

Arnold Tobin: My pleasure, Lancaster. I’ve been in my basement since March, binge-watching episodes of ‘70s and ‘80s sitcoms. It’s great to have some face-to-face time with someone other than Fish from “Barney Miller.”

Interviewer: There appears to be a groundswell of protest coming from people that are rejecting, what some are calling, the “Orwellian mandate of Big-Brother brand facemasks.” I noticed you are not wearing face covering today. Are you in support of this movement?

Arnold Tobin: Larson, I rarely talk about my faith, but I am an Orthodox Seclusionist. Our belief teaches us to observe the High Holy Days of Quarantine by covering our faces, gathering around the internet and praying to the governor for release from our trials and tribulations. To many within the flock, it feels like they have been wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, the promise land is just across the river, and the bridge keeps getting closed for another two weeks.

Interviewer: What are your thoughts on the economy?

Arnold Tobin: I don’t think about the economy, Linkletter. Like everyone else, I make a little money, I spend a lot of that money, and I hope to save a tiny little bit of it. The only difference between any of us is that some do a better job making the money. Others are better at spending the money, and many have IRAs (or they would never have been able to save any money, at all).

Interviewer: What is your take on the unrest in many of our cities?

Arnold Tobin: You hit the nail on the head, Langley. “Unrest.” Your word, not mine. The solution to this is simple — folks need to get more rest. A couple of good nights’ sleep and everyone is going to feel better in the morning.

Interviewer: That does sound rather simplistic. Do you have a plan on how to accomplish this?

Arnold Tobin: I’m surprised no one has thought of it before, Letterkenny. Just send everyone home when it gets dark.

Interviewer: Are you calling for an enforced curfew? Would you bring out the guard?

Arnold Tobin: Nope, Lincoln. I’m calling for bedtime — plain and simple. Someone has to be the parent that turns off the lights and says to the kids, “Go to bed. Tomorrow is a school day, and you need your sleep. Yes, you can have a drink of water and, no, there is no orange monster under your bed.”

Interviewer: Again, thank you for your time and these very insightful responses. One final question — with the election less than two months away, what is your message to the voters?

Arnold Tobin: Another brilliant question, Landon. If I had to sum up my message, in as simple of terms as possible — I did not make any of these things happen and, if elected, I will continue to not make things happen. That is not a campaign promise — that is how I live my life.