LARRY WILSON: Arnold Tobin can’t stop running

Published 11:22 am Tuesday, October 30, 2018

The breakfast cacophony at Sarah’s Diner refused to dim as Arnold Tobin made his big announcement. “I’m considering another run for office,” he said, as he maneuvered between bites of ham and cheese omelet and sips of piping hot coffee. “All the indicators are predicting a win. The only variable is who the winner might be.” Arnold got civically motivated every election cycle, basking in the thought of finally winning an election and being able to do the peoples’ work — and reaping the benefits of the Congressional Health Plan.

“Isn’t it a little late for that?” scoffed Harrison Winkle. “The election is less than two weeks away.”

“I don’t want to run in this election,” explained Arnold. “I’m looking at a 2020 race. I need time to build an exploratory team, start a grass roots movement, raise campaign funds, set up off-shore bank accounts, and eliminate anyone that knows anything about my nefarious past

“Off-shore bank accounts?” asked Harry.

“Nefarious past?” asked Jimmy.

“Eliminate?” asked everyone else.

As far as politics were concerned, Arnold was known for his good intentions and lack of follow-through — making him eminently qualified to hold public office. His desire to win an election was real and genuine — his lack of ambition required to run a campaign was, also, real and genuine. Several times, Arnold mounted write-in campaigns in the hopes that someone would go to all the bother of writing his name on a ballot. So far, that hasn’t happened.

“What is your campaign strategy, this time?” asked Jimmy (although he knew better and regretted asking before the words had finished leaving his mouth).

“Whatever mud my opponent might sling at me, I’m just going to say I didn’t know I was lying, when I said it.”

Big John Hudson pondered Arnold’s campaign tactic, compared it to the current mess of campaign rhetoric, and concluded it wasn’t any worse than Barry Goldwater’s ‘In your heart, you know he’s right’.

“I’m going after the senior vote,” Arnold said in a tone that sounded as if he knew what he was talking about. Turning to Jimmy, he asked, “You know how you always say retirement is like every day is a Saturday?”

Jimmy nodded his head to the affirmative — almost wary of what might be coming next.

“I’m going to tell senior citizens that voting for me will make every day seem like a Friday and the weekend is just beginning.”

“How are you going to make that happen?” asked Firewalker, thinking he might want to get in on some of what Arnold was promoting. Firewalker believed in voting early and often.

“Oh, I don’t intend to make anything happen,” Arnold replied. “I just want to get elected.”

“But, if you don’t deliver on your campaign promises,” wondered Tommy Jones, “How do you expect to get reelected?”

“I am a firm believer in term limits,” explained Arnold. “I intend to serve my one term, and retire to the tune of about $139,000 a year.”

Each of the members of the Circular Congregation Breakfast Club pondered Arnold’s campaign strategy and secretly thought he might finally be on to something.