Stachieu Fademendowski has decided to strike out on his own as a motivational speaker. His motivation for becoming a motivational speaker was quite simple: – He placed several “suggestions” in the suggestion box at his previous place of employment.

Subsequently, the suggestion box was removed and so was he.

I accidentally attended one of his seminars (I thought I was walking into a Subway sandwich shop), centered on Mr. Fademendowski’s self-proclaimed “Probability Theory.” The following is a synopsis of that seminar:

As we go through the course of our business and personal lives, we need to make decisions based on an impartial and unemotional review the Probabilities. Probabilities are in direct correlation with Possibilities.

A simple, common-place, example of this is the “Traffic Light Probability.” If you are rapidly approaching a traffic light ± and the light has been green for a considerable amount of time — you should probably start preparing to make a decision based on several Possibilities:

(1) The light will turn yellow and then red before you get to the intersection — consider preparing to stop.

(2) If you accelerate to warp speed, you might be able to get into the intersection while the light is still yellow (or, at least, barely “pink”).

(3) There is a police officer nearby, watching you accelerate to warp speed and only needs to write one more ticket to meet his (or her) quota.

(4) Two vehicles in the cross traffic are planning to use the traffic light as a drag race “Christmas Tree” starting light and are about to accelerate through the intersection at 60 miles per hour in under three seconds (just as you are attempting to hit warp speed).

All, but one of these Possibilities have negative Probabilities. Therefore, you should probably only consider the one with a positive Probability (Mr. Fademendowski did not elaborate on which was which).

Another example is the “Office Give-Away Probability.”

If you show up for work on a Monday morning and someone else is sitting in your chair, at your desk, in your office — you should probably start preparing to make a decision based on several Possibilities:

(1) You are about to receive a promotion, resulting in a huge raise and a new corner office with windows.

(2) The person sitting in your chair is your new, over-achieving, assistant and is only attempting to warm up your chair before you arrive.

(3) You failed to look at the calendar. It is April first and everyone is about to jump up and shout, “April Fools.” You are obligated to laugh and then buy donuts for everyone.

(4) A box containing all of your personal belongings is waiting for you at the security office. You are about to be escorted back to your car. This may, possibly, be a good time to consider a career move to Motivational Speaker.

In this “Probability,” all but one of these Possibilities have positive Probabilities. However, you should probably only consider the one with the negative Probability (again, Mr. Fademendowski did not elaborate on which was which).

I am looking forward to attending more of Mr. Fademendowski’s seminars and/or picking up a chicken teriyaki sub sandwich.

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.