At the very cusp of recorded pre-war history — before the writings of Herodotus, Flavious Josephus, and Xenophon – during the brief moment in time before humans learned to raise their fists for personal and political gain — events were recorded as stylized graffiti scrawled on cave walls and alleyway enclosures. Flavor Flavious, generational elder to Flavious Josephus, was among the first to document and translate the historical encryptions of three tribes that once coexisted along the lush and fertile coastal savannahs of western Nevada.

The tribal communities of the Clan of Dairias Homogenous, the Intolera Lactosians, and the Pisceseans were thought to be tribes that occupied opposite shores and the central flow, at the confusion of the Upper and Lower Intestinal Rivers. These streams once flowed from their source at the northern most uprising of the Serendipity Mountains, joined at the pedestal base of Table Leg Mesa, ultimately flowing into, what is now, a sewer drain at Main and Third in Bakersfield, California.

PART ONE

The eastern reaches of Intolera Lactosian land was a lush hardwood forest, home to wild pigs, free ranging chickens, woodland bovines, and charcoal briquettes. Due to a knowledge deficiency of dietary requirements concerning fruits, vegetables, and grains, their diet consisted mainly of wild game and maple syrup.

The tracking of time appears to have been a very important aspect of daily life for the Intolera Lactosians. According to the fog-based remembrances of Flavor Flavious, sanitation facilities within the tribal boundaries were limited to one central location, called a Dropitarium. This facility resembled, and could be considered the precursor to a present day “Ozarkian Single Holer.” Therefore, the most revered member of the tribe was someone that could maintain a workable schedule for morning visits to the Dropitarium.

The first Lactosian timekeeper was Solarius Dial, who used a primitive system of measuring the advances of daylight, by tracking the shadow of the Dropitarium as the sun travelled across the eastern sky. Tribal members would line up at the western side of the Dropitarium and would await their turn to advance as the shadow moved — although usually grimacing with impatient irritation.

Solarius Dial was replaced as the timekeeping leader of the Intolera Lactosians, by Timex of Wrist, the first timekeeper to use a mechanical apparatus to keep accurate track of time (within an hour or so). His contraption was a system of pulleys, belts, weights, and seed munching pigeons — designed by (and stolen from) the pre-ancient sculptor and inventor Leonardo Da Rubegoldberg. The reign of Timex of Wrist was a great advancement for the Lactosians. Their bodily functions were no longer enslaved to the slow movement and monthly irregularity of the sun.

Timex’s mechanism worked well for decades with one minor flaw, it needed to be wound every evening or it would not function in the morning. Timex grew weary of the daily responsibility and turned the job over to his understudy, Swatch, who brought a newer, fresher, trendier face to the timekeeping process. However, Swatch did not remain the timekeeping leader for long. From all accounts, (actually, just the one scribbled down by Flavor Flavious) the Lactosians were not a flashy people and soon grew weary of Swatch’s glamorous timekeeping methods. They longed for the days of the more dependable, tried and true, day in and day out, timekeeping.

Following the short-lived tenure of Swatch, Jewel Movement became the first female timekeeping leader of the tribe. Jewel was able to correct the minor mechanical flaw in the original Da Rubegoldberg apparatus, thus eliminating the need for nightly windings. This became the first known timepiece to be wound by Movement. Under Jewel’s reign, peace and regularity flourished within the tribal community of the Intolera Lactosians. Jewel remained the timekeeping leader of the Lactosians until her son, Rolex, ascended to power.

Rolex ruled during the richest and most prosperous era for the Lactosians. During his time, the tribal population swelled to several more than before, perhaps as many as lots more (Flavious was unclear in his writings). It was during the opulent reign of Rolex that a proliferation of Dropitariums were constructed along the shores of the Lower Intestinal River. The luxury of more Dropitariums allowed the tribal populace the freedom to adjust their morning schedule and, in turn, reduced the need for timekeepers, ushering in the demise of timekeepers as leaders of the tribe.

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.