Esquire is always right

Published 10:01 am Thursday, May 28, 2015

I am blessed to have some very interesting friends and family. Each of them has their own curious characteristics, interests, oddities, peculiarities, viewpoints, conceptions (and misconceptions) and/or quirks. They are not dull people and I am fortunate to have them in my life.

Coming up with something to write about each week is easy — you just can’t make up some of the things my friends say and do. They talk. I just listen and think to myself, “Man, I’ve got to remember that one.” Hopefully, I remember enough about what was said to write it down and give you a laugh or two. On occasion, a few of my closest friends have asked why I don’t write about them. My response is that some things should never be put in print (or on Facebook).

Many of them earned (or, at least, stumbled upon) some kind of nickname as we tripped over the obstacles of early adulthood. TFLAO’s sobriquet came about because he once said he was, “The First, Last, and Only,” and it stuck (a reminder that we should all be careful about what we say). Wildman got the name because he once was (but, is proud to state that he no longer is). Firewalker earned the name because he absolutely did walk through fire – several times successfully (one, not so much). However, there is still some debate as to how “Esquire” acquired his moniker.

In some circles, Esquire is a courtesy title of respect with no true significance – and, if showing respect for no true significance could earn someone a title, he should have a title. In some instances, the term denotes that the person is an attorney — and Esquire is very good at arguing points and asking questions with answers only he would care to know. Either way, he wears the title as a badge of honor.

Have you ever been in an argument with someone that argued their side with such passion that you started to doubt your side of the debate – even when you were just about, almost, pretty much positive you were right? If so, do not get into a deliberation with Esquire. Any hesitation in your stand is like poking a beehive with a bear’s right ear – one way or another, you are not going to like the result. However, if you should find yourself locked in a verbal battle of wits, be prepared to back up every statement with documented facts (not the made-up kind like politicians use). Under no circumstance should you defend your side of the argument with a feeble, “I read somewhere that…”

Esquire is the original information junkie. However, he is not a practitioner of the internet instant education method of knowledge gathering. He doesn’t Google, Bing, Yahoo, or follow any other paths to cyber awareness. If you should get into an argument with Esquire — and I do, all the time, just because it’s fun – he can defend EVERY point he makes. He has a library. A beautiful, magnificent, well-read, wall after wall of floor to ceiling shelves full of books covering every topic I have ever chosen to dispute type of library. Go ahead, challenge him, he will bring out three books (not just an internet blogger’s suspect opinion, but REAL books with REAL facts) to defend his statement. The first book will back up his statement. The second book will be a biography on the author of the first book, documenting the veracity of his work. The third book is just for rubbing your nose in (I hate it when he does that).

This past weekend, one of the rarest and most exciting things in my life came to be. Esquire made a comment and I dared to challenge it (yes, I usually do challenge, but rarely expect to win). The blood quickened in my temples, my fists clenched in anticipation, and I blurted out, “Nope. You’re wrong. It’s blah blah blah.” (the “blah, blah, blah” is my feeble way of explaining that the point of our argument was completely insignificant. The fact that I was right is what you should be focusing on, here).

Unfortunately, this debate took place at my home, without the benefit of Esquire’s plethora of books on any given subject, to prove (or disprove) either of our stands. Fortunately, we had a completely unbiased arbitrator (my wife) who was willing to research the subject on her “know-it-all machine” (Esquire’s term for smart phones).

Holy wah!!! I was right!

Write this down. May 25th, 2105 is a day I will always remember. It is the day the words, “You are right,” trickled off the lips of Esquire. However, keep in mind, what he didn’t admit was, “I was wrong.” I may not live that long — and I’m too old for that kind of excitement.


Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at