So there I was perjuring myself on the witness stand…

Published 3:33 am Monday, August 11, 2008

By Staff
CASSOPOLIS – I took the witness stand in Cass County Probate Court Aug. 8 after swearing to black-robed Leigh Rogner I would tell the whole truth, nothing but. Then, before a jury, Dowagiac Police Chief Tom Atkinson and Judge Susan Dobrich, I proceeded to perjure myself. Gloriously, with an abandon that can get your literary license revoked.
The jury hung, unable to reach a verdict
And a killer walked free.
As a favor to former chief assistant prosecutor and fellow Beatles fan Liz Rapalee Lyons, I agreed to appear as a surprise defense witness, since in her return to the courtroom she had a crazy client against the best young legal minds in Cass County participating in the week-long CSI Junior Academy.
Jack News – me – had never been on a witness stand despite covering court for almost 30 years. It was the perfect vantage point to see the look of disbelief spread across the face of Victor Fitz's Chief Assistant Prosecutor Frank Machnik when he realized his case was careening out of control.
What happened next surprised even Liz's surprise witness.
Frank, in typical attire of business suit and dress shoes, fled Judge Judy's courtroom by vaulting over the barrier between the attorney tables and spectators.
Hog the Bounty Hunter must have been lurking in the corridor because Frank was quickly captured and returned to court in handcuffs.
The mock trial revolved around the murder of Howie Dunnit, found by his spouse of 20 years, Lovie (Janet Feick of Friend of the Court).
There is documented history of police intervention at their household because of numerous domestic arguments.
The first policeman on the scene, Officer Warren Peace, encounters a gruesome, blood-splattered scene. Dunnit is on the floor, bludgeoned to death.
There is also a curious-looking circular mark left on the floor – a contact mark left by an unknown blood-covered object that would turn out to be a cane.
In the room are a table with a couple of glasses and a blood-spattered wine bottle on the floor. There is also trace evidence observed consisting of hairs. Are they animal or human. Or both?
Paperwork found at the crime scene includes a divorce hearing request where the decedent's spouse is the plaintiff.
Amongst the trash in a wastebasket is a letter from the local Animal Control department, addressed to neighbor Gladys Kravitz. Apparently, a complaint was made by the Dunnits against the eccentric friend of felines, played hilariously for years by Child Support Investigator Terri Bauer, who, ironically, once worked for Animal Control.
Kravitz's cats get into the Dunnit's garden, bury their poop in their grandchildren's sandbox and eat the songbirds they like to feed.
Kravitz is suspicious of her neighbors and is not at all surprised when Dunnit ends up dead. She recalls many sleepless evenings, being awakened by Howie yelling at Lovie and throwing things around the house during heated arguments.
There is another neighbor, Ida Know. She recalls that Mrs. Dunnit complained to her about constant verbal abuse and that police visited the home many times because of the domestic issues. This witness also knows Gladys. She does not know her very well, however, and thinks she's a pretty weird lady who only loves her cats. In fact, she only knows Kravits by the nickname neighborhood children hung on her – "The Catwoman."
Everything points to Mrs. Dunnit beating her husband to death.
She admits her husband treats her terribly and maybe even told Ida Know she wanted to be rid of him. She strongly maintains her innocence, however.
The bottle on the floor has the fingerprints of only Mrs. Dunnit.
The glasses on the table have the fingerprints of both Mr. and Mrs. Dunnit.
Mrs. Dunnit claims she and her husband were attempting to reconcile after her husband received the subpoenas from divorce court. They had drinks together and she poured him some wine. They ended up in an argument and he knocked the bottle of wine from the table.
She ended up leaving the house and staying overnight with sister Billie Wilson, who used to work in advertising at the Daily News. Lovie came home to find her husband dead.
Yes, it really looks like Mrs. Dunnit did it. The CSI sleuths must determine that the circular blood mark left on the floor came from the bottom of Mrs. Kravitz's cane. Some hairs found at the scene are cat hairs. The Dunnits do not own any pets.
What really happened was that crazy ol' Gladys came over to confront Mr. Dunnit about the letter she received from Animal Control, filed against her and her beloved cats. She and Dunnit argued vehemently. In defiance, Dunnit crumpled up the Animal Control letter and threw it in the trash. His fingerprints are even found on the letter. Yes, it was Mrs. Kravitz who did in Dunnit, bludgeoning him to death with her cane in a blind rage.
Then it was time for the hole truth and nothing but. I testified I wanted to do a story about Kravitz and her 20 cats. I went to her street on the day of the murder. As I was getting out of my candy-apple red, Volkswagen bug convertible with a plastic flower in the vase – a shameless homage to Judge Dobrich, who always whips me at Football Forecasting – I spied someone coming out of the front door of the Dunnit house. I know the Dunnits because she won the Senior Kick Butt Fighting Contest.
I know she has a really bad temper because she shoved me when I printed a really unflattering photo of her in a tankini.
Then I describe a tall, white male with light brown hair coming out of the Dunnit door.
I stared at him because he was dressed so peculiarly – tight Spandex shorts and a top with all kinds of bright colors, with a red color that really didn't go with the rest of the color scheme.
Frank didn't know it yet, but I had just described him dressed for bicycling. I recalled for the jury holding up my camera and looking through my telephoto lens. Those red spots looked like blood! I'm no forensic specialist, I testified, but I did take a blood spatter course from Officer James Kusa, who was seated in the courtroom, and the red spots I saw on the man's chest sure looked like blood to me.
The man paused on the porch and smiled to himself. I was able to take a picture. He then climbed on an expensive-looking red bike and rode away.
I went to Gladys Kravitz's door and peered in. She was sound asleep in her Lazy Boy, carpeted with at least 15 cats. She was so sound asleep she was drooling. A couple of cats were drooling, too.
I left, intending to do the story a different time, even if it meant being scooped by Lou Mumford.
Producing the prints of Frank his wife Patriza furnished Liz, there was an audible gasp at the sight of the goateed man in the colorful costume astride a racing bike. It may have come from Frank because at that point the prosecutor leapt into the air.
"I nearly killed myself in these shoes," he admitted later.