By Staff
Dressed in an Evel Knievel-style American flag jumpsuit with my face painted red, white and blue, I planned to spend Fourth of July driving around in old Ford pickup truck blaring "Proud to Be an American" from my stereo.
Starting at 6 a.m., I hoped to speed around my neighborhood honking my horn and looking for foreigners so I could chant "USA, USA" at them.
Once I had established our nation's global dominance through repetitive chanting and occasionally making the number-one sign, I planned to head home for an old-fashioned American barbecue featuring Budweiser in those really large bottles.
Of course, since I'm not a jingoist, don't look particularly good in a jumpsuit with a cape and tire of chanting really fast, I actually did none of these things.
Instead, I spent the day at work, barbecuing for my hard-working staff forced to open the store on a holiday and the few customers nice enough to leave their homes to come see us.
Though I chose to not brazenly display my affection for the United States by wearing a costume, many other people did.
The worst offenders seemed to congregate at the supermarket where I picked up the groceries for my barbecue.
In the grocery store I saw flag bandannas, flag t-shirts, a truly horrifying set of MC Hammer-style flag pants and an unfortunate flag bikini top that really should have been accompanied by a flag sweater.
I'm sure there was flag underwear I couldn't see and more than a few people with flag tattoos thankfully out of my visual range.
Wearing the American flag on a bikini or a T-shirt seems like an odd way to show patriotism.
Wearing a flag bikini is sort of like showing your favorite actor how much you love him by following him around 24 hours a day chanting his name.
While the sentiment might be well-intended, the gesture itself shows disrespect for the object you are seeking to honor.
In some ways, turning the flag into clothing or a beach towel makes about as much sense as showing your wife you think she's pretty by secretly taking naked photos of her and showing all your friends. That action might honestly reflect your true pride in her appearance, but in most cases picking that particular way to show her will likely end with all of your stuff being thrown on the lawn.
Americans tend to find rather questionable ways of honoring the people, places and things we love. In addition to turning the flag into everything from bed sheets to oven mitts, we seem overly willing to use the tattoo as our method of showing what we like or care about.
Admittedly, getting a tattoo requires commitment. Getting one hurts and removing them requires an enormous amount of money and ability to withstand pain.
Unfortunately, while having a loved one or favorite thing's name tattooed on yourself comes fraught with peril.
Forget the obvious idea that relationships may not always last forever. Johnny Depp no longer dates Winona Ryder, Tom Arnold and Roseanne broke up and that just might happen to you. Tattooing a favorite thing on yourself involves even more risk. For example, had I been allowed to tattoo my favorite group on my arm when I was 14, I would now sport America's only Huey Lewis and The News tattoo.
Of course, the American flag never goes out of style, but I hardly think tattoos, bikinis, bandannas and the like actually show respect for what the flag stands for. If you respect the flag as a symbol representative of all that we love about America, than fly it properly, salute it when you walk by and think regularly of the men and women who died for your freedom.
I suppose that freedom includes the right to wear the "Stars and Stripes" on a pair of spandex pants.
I just imagine they would prefer that you didn't.