By Staff
If you are a Halloween buff or fan, DO NOT read any further. I repeat – DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.
If you are ambivalent about or dislike this pseudo-holiday, please read on!
First of all, my confession: I hate Halloween! There is nothing about Halloween that appeals to me. As a child I was terrorized by the goblins, ghosts, and ghouls that came out on that most horrible night of the year to scare the bajeebies out of us.
As I grew older, I was shamed, much against my will, into participating in "trick-or treat" rituals. I hated it!
First off, the costumes never fit properly and I always tripped on the long skirts and pants along the sidewalks.
Second, the masks (in the 1950s and '60s) were made of some sort of composite material that tasted horrible when they became wet.
Third, the candy we got often tasted stale and the apples were always rotten. Need I continue?
I believe that during my very early years I was terrified by a clown. I still, to this day, dislike them very much! Clowns, ghouls, goblins, chain saw maniacs – they're all the same. Insane! I even fear circus clowns! They are up to no good – trust me!
Then there were the years when sadists laced treats with razor blades, pins and needles.
I thought it insanely ridiculous to send children out on the street to beg for treats only to have to have the treats X-rayed at the local hospital to make sure the treats were safe to eat.
Come on, people – get a grip! What don't you understand about letting kids take candy from strangers – even if the porch light is on?
Okay – I admit it. I am a wannabe Grinch of Halloween.
And don't any of you witches and goblins try to convert me.
I won't give up. My porch light was not on. It won't be on – ever! Stay away from my house – you only excite my dog to bark non-stop!
Now, there's my friend, Rona.
She likes dressing up in ridiculous get-ups and insulting people. I can take that. In fact, I have – on several occasions when I've been the brunt (or butt) of her jokes.
I know she won't pull out a knife or pistol and waste me.
I'm not sure about the midget goblins walking the streets on Halloween.
They could very well do me in. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body, but she can certainly insult and surprise her victims. She would never hurt them.
And then there is the trick phase of Halloween. My car has been soaped many times. My yard has been teepeed over and over again. My property has been the object of pranks.
While it may sound hypocritical, I can understand some of the pranks.
For instance, I recall an old friend telling about a very grumpy guy in the neighborhood (not Mr. Rogers) who was always on the outs with the kids.
One Halloween, they waited until the grump went into his outhouse, then they tipped the privy over – door on the ground.
Foolishly, the old geezer poked his head out of one of the holes, got his head stuck and was peppered with a barrage of rotten tomatoes.
But I still don't like my yard teepeed or my car decorated with shaving cream – that's NOT funny.
Tipping over an outhouse is.
Please, don't throw rotten tomatoes or eggs at my house.
Just accept me as I am, even if you have to pity me for being a Halloween Grinch.
I applaud the local Methodist Church for having a trunk-or treat this Halloween.
It was a safe and controlled environment.
Next year, if they have it, I might even put on a costume and participate. Otherwise, I will visit my friends at the local market and buy bags of candy for my little ones. These bags won't have to be X-rayed or closely examined – just enjoyed.
So, take those masks and show them to someone else.
I'm the Grinch of Halloween, and I won't be persuaded to be anything otherwise.