Dating in 2014 is hard.

I know what you’re thinking. Dating has always been hard, and always will be hard.

I’m not looking for suitors or sympathy, but a couple of weeks ago, one of our weekly columnists wrote a piece in defense of chivalry, a practice I would argue is becoming a lost art. Larry. Wilson gave his readers a lesson in wooing a woman that would lift even the most cynical person’s spirits.

I’ll admit, after reading his column, my faith in humanity grew a little. What I would argue, though, is that our society has made it incredibly difficult to know what is and is not acceptable in the dating world.

Technology is a blessing in so many ways, but I have a hard time finding any service it does to forming any sort of relationship.

For those of you who have been out of the dating world for the last few years, let me give you a glimpse into what we’re up against.

Five years ago, the most common place to find a suitor was in public venues: bars, school, church, coffee shops, etc. Today, the most common place to meet someone isn’t a place at all — it’s an app.

Instead of asking someone for their number after a pleasant conversation in one of these cliche locations, many people determine compatibility based on algorithms on dating websites, mutual “friends” on social media, or my favorite — when we both like what we see and “swipe right” on a cell phone app.

Sure, these methods take some of the tension away. It’s so easy to find people that you can theoretically meet your future husband while wearing your pajamas, eating ice cream and rocking out to your favorite guilty pleasure band.

When conversation tapers off and you’re not sure what to say, it’s easy to leave the exchange when all you have to do is exit out of a chat box.

And the best part, in the time you would have spent talking with one person in a bar, you can easily scout 20 people as potential soul mates.

Sounds great, right?

Not really. If I’ve learned anything about the effect today’s dating has had on society, it’s that people in general are beginning to lose their social skills. Sure, it was awesome coming up with witty comments when you could type, erase and retype until your quips were romantic-comedy-movie-worthy, but try participating in that level of banter when you’re not hiding behind the safety of an electronic device.

Crickets, I tell you.

The majority of men don’t open the door for women anymore. We’re lucky if they even pick us up. They don’t tell you you’re pretty or look into your eyes while you’re talking. You’d be hard pressed to find someone to keep their eyes off their cell phone long enough for that.

As Larry pointed out, though, women aren’t completely innocent, either. We’re equal participants in this game; otherwise it wouldn’t work at all.

I’m certainly not an expert in the dating field, but if I may, I’d like to pass on my own advice.

For those of you who are legitimately seeking a soul mate (or at least a relationship), tread cautiously into the world of online dating.

Don’t attempt to carry on a relationship with a person before you’ve ever seen their face (we all know how well that worked out for Manti Te’o). I promise you, the conversation is so much better when the laughs and smiles aren’t reduced to three-letter acronyms and groups of symbols resembling sideways faces.

I think the mistake we often make today is relying too heavily on the digital side of the relationship, claiming it saves time and makes everything easier.

Dating isn’t supposed to be easy because relationships aren’t easy. And do we truly believe successful relationships are born when they are convenient for one party or the other?

I’m not naïve enough to believe that there are no men in the world who have respect for their partners, and I don’t think poorly of the people who spend time on dating sites. I know plenty of people who have found love through the internet and have perfectly healthy relationships, and I have no doubt that many more will. Behind the buffers these devices conveniently provide for us are plenty of perfectly fine men who I’m sure know exactly how to treat a lady when they have the confidence to do so.

So no, Mr. Wilson, chivalry is not dead. We just have to look up from our phones and computers long enough to find it.

 

Ambrosia Neldon is the managing editor at Leader Publications. She can be reached by phone at (269) 687-7713, or by email at ambrosia.neldon@leaderpub.com.