Recently, a Facebook “friend” of mine posted a comment that stated “If chivalry isn’t dead, it’s in a coma.” This friend is a very intelligent, motivated, pretty, twenty-something professional that could turn the heads of a surplus of respectable suitors. These facts, coupled with her lament on the passing of the once revered Mr. Chivalrous, caused me to question the reality of such a passing. Is chivalry really dead?

Emily Post and Miss Manners may still be in print, but I’ve never known a guy who reads those columns. Therefore, where is a young man supposed to learn chivalry? It is with this in mind that I have decide to offer this primer for the first ever QBSI-101 (Quit Being Such an Idiot) course on the Fundamentals of Treating a Lady Like a Lady. The course name says a lot.

 

Lesson #1: Picking her up on the first date.

This is the second most powerful lesson in this course. DO NOT SIT IN YOUR CAR, HONK YOUR HORN, AND WAIT FOR HER TO COME OUT!

Let me explain something to you, and you had better be taking notes. I am a proud member of a very elite fraternity. I am a D.O.D – Dad Of a Daughter. I am mean. I train, in secret, with other D.O.D.’s on the meanest ways to be mean. If you can find a way to get your butt out of that car, walk up to my front door, and face me eye-to-eye without wetting your pants, you have a small chance at two things – (1) I might let you live and (2) my daughter might let you have a second date.

 

Lesson #2: Low hanging fruit.

Pay attention to this. It is the easiest lesson in the whole course. Open her car door. Open the door for her as you enter and exit a building. Stand up when she (or any lady) enters a room. Take your hat off, pull up your pants, and act like a man. This last part has less to do with chivalry and more to do with me always wanting to get that in print.

 

Lesson #3: Fruit from a higher branch.

Pay attention to her. Look at her eyes when you talk and remember the color of those eyes.  I promise you, there is going to be a test and this is going to be one of the questions. This test is not multiple choice, you do not get to guess, and it will not be graded on a curve. It is pass/fail. There is a huge difference between brown and blue. You do not get half-credit for getting the first letter right.

Know her middle name. This is also a question on the test. If you have been in a relationship for a while – longer than a movie and burgers afterward: you are going to need to know this one. If you don’t know her middle name, you are already in more trouble than you realize. Again, there is a huge difference between Lee and Jo. You absolutely do not get half-credit for rationalizing, “I knew it sounded like a guy’s name.”

However, there is a simple method for learning the answer before you get hit with the pop test – ask her right now. Call her, send her an e-mail, send her a text and ask, “What is your middle name?” When she asks you why, and she will ask, the official answer is, “Our relationship has progressed to the point where I thought I should know this about you.” She will be confused, but she will now know that you know her middle name. This question will probably drop off the test…only to be replaced by another question of equal difficulty.

 

Lesson #4: We guys deserve a woman that can perch on a pedestal.

By this time, you chivalry challenged teens and twenty-somethings are probably asking, “What’s the point? What’s in this for me?” This is the most important lesson of all and it is not just for the beginning students. I want all of you guys to gather in, pay close attention, and take copious notes. Ladies, this part is not for your consumption.

For all our efforts, as gallant and chivalrous males, we deserve a woman in our life that is worthy of a pedestal. Be very, very careful with this. Avoid, at all costs, anyone that drags their own pedestal around with her. And especially avoid anyone that rides on a self-propelled pedestal – I see problems with someone that can’t climb down off their pedestal long enough to move it.

However, once you have learned the lessons of chivalry and you have met that one certain someone, you deserve for her to be of a caliber that is worthy of a pedestal. But, not just any pedestal. It must be the best pedestal you can build, just for her — a lady that you can gently lift and place, hold her hand for balance, and then shout to the world how fortunate you are.

This last part is your final exam and worth 100 percent of your grade. It is not open book, you may not use your cell phone, and No. 2 pencils will not be issued.

You are on your own. Good luck.

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.