I am always proud to point out that I live in the Center of the Universe. Sometimes this location is also referred to as Niles, Michigan. There are people that truly understand this statement, and people that will someday be enlightened.

This is a great town to live in and call home. Downtown has some wonderful places to eat, shop, or just hang out. Our metropolitan neighbors to the south and west help connect us to the action of “big city” stuff, while the rest of our neighbors provide a bond to the more even pace of the rural Midwest. I like it here. For me and many other people, we really do live in the Center of the Universe.

Please don’t get me wrong. Niles is not perfect. There is a blemish or two. Just the other morning, I think I might have stumbled upon our city’s biggest flaw.

I went out to my favorite vehicle – my 14 year old, no frills, get me there and get me back, pick-up truck. I tossed by laptop case onto the full bench seat and, as I was about to slide in next to it, I realized my glove box was open and the light was on.

Since I was only halfway through my first cup of coffee, my initial thought was, “Oh man, the glove box is open and the light is on. I hope it didn’t drain my battery.” This was not the best first thought to have, but I blame it on lack of caffeine.

My second thought was, “Why is my glove box open?” Which was much better than thinking, “Why do they call it a “glove box’? No one keeps gloves in there. It’s only used for vehicle registrations and insurance paperwork.”

Since I was in the middle of wondering why my glove box was open and not in the middle of wondering why the thing is called a glove box, I looked in it and found – nothing. Everything that had been in there the night before, which was not much at all, was now gone. Someone entered my truck sometime during the night, and stealthily robbed me of absolutely nothing of value. They got away with a handful of papers that are only important when I get pulled over for speeding and the officer asks, “May I see your registration and proof of insurance, please?”

All the thieving idiots accomplished was to make me think about driving a little slower.

This is the flaw, the unsightly blemish, the ugly little secret that scars an otherwise beautiful little city – we have some really stupid criminals! We are not in the throes of a crime wave. Our police force does an excellent job serving and protecting. We are safe in our homes and on the streets. But, we still have to lock our cars doors because stupid people roam our streets at night and steal paperwork. It was embarrassing to realize that, with the caliber of our local school systems, the work ethic of our community, and the acumen of our populace, we can’t generate a more intelligent group of thieves than this.

My trusty old pick-up has a fiberglass cap over the bed. Just to highlight how inept our criminals are, had they opened the hatch to my cap, they would have found several power tools — and those tools would have been worth stealing!

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.