Arnold Tobin lived down the street and one block over. Age and experience had turned him into a cynical man that abhorred clichéd salutations and worn out adieus.

It wasn’t that Arnold was a card-carrying member of the Grumpy Old Men Club. There were a lot of things that Arnold did like, but tired old banalities were at the top of the list of things that just set him off.

Woe to the unsuspecting person that might pass Arnold on the street, give him a cheerful nod, and invade his privacy with the innocent greeting of, “How ya’ doing?” Arnold would return the greeting with a litany of ailments and woes, some real, most imaginary that could send the greeter into a tailspin of depression.

“How am I doing?” Arnold would grouse. “I’ve got arthritis in my back, a knee that swells up like a casaba melon, bunions on my right foot and gout setting into my left, snot running out of my nose like a backyard faucet, dentures that don’t fit, and don’t even get me started on the constipation.”

One time a cashier at the check-out counter of the local pharmacy gave him his change and finished the transaction with a cheerful, “Have a nice day.” She probably ended a hundred transactions every day with the same, automatic, well-rehearsed phrase.

Arnold’s response was typical for him, but flummoxing for the poor cashier.

“Have a nice day? I wasn’t planning on having a nice day. I wasn’t planning on having a bad day, either. I was planning on having a mediocre day. Now you’re putting pressure on me to have a nice day and I didn’t want one.”

Mundane questions about the weather were Arnold’s biggest peeve. “Hot enough for you?” (Hot enough for what?) “How ‘bout that rain last night?” (What about it?) “You get much snow over your way?” (I didn’t measure it.)

Arnold wasn’t necessarily a mean man. He just didn’t like people asking questions or offering suggestions without really wanting to know the answers or results. He would have been much happier to have someone pass him on the street and say “Arnold, you look a little tired, how ya doing?” and then wait for an answer. Instead of “Have a nice day” he would have been much happier with “Thanks for stopping in.”

The best greeting Arnold ever received was when Mark Heyn met him on the street in front of the soda shop and said, “It’s good we’re having weather.”

What could Arnold say to that? He stopped for a moment without a quick or cutting retort. It wasn’t a tired old cliché. It wasn’t a mindless question undeserving of an answer. It was a simple statement with no debatable response.

Slowly, a big grin beamed across Arnold’s face, he slapped Mark on the back, and said, “Yes, it is. Wanna grab a cup of coffee? I’ll buy.”

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.