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Madonna swallowed up by own commercial

Published 8:06pm Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Who else but Her Madge-sty, Michigan Material Mom Madonna, could at 53 put the queen of commercials before the all-time eyeball record of 111.3 million tuned to NBC?
She promised no wardrobe malfunctions for the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show a la the Janet Jackson nip slip with Justin TImberlake that sanitized classic rock for the masses.
She’s matured beyond the half peace symbol flashed by British Sri Lankan rapper M.I.A and is aging better than, oh, Ferris Bueller.
I gaped at the spectacle which reminded me of Michael Jackson’s 1992 Egyptian video “Remember the Time” with Pharaoh Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson and put Madonna wannabe Lady Gaga in her place.
Remember the time we all thought she was a flash in the pan (although I saw her twice in concert) because Cyndi Lauper possessed the pipes for staying power — not “Celebrity Apprentice?” Just like Michael seemed saner than Prince, who put on a whale of a 2007 halftime show.
Cleopatra arriving in Indianapolis on a chariot pulled by warriors with her own block M marching band led by (hide the lyrics!) Cee Lo Green in a black Buddha choir robe made Lucas Oil Stadium feel like the Olympics.
There’s Madonna sitting on Redfoo’s shoulders behind his big Afro and askance glasses fronting a duo called LMFAO (like a good Cee Lo song, we can’t tell you entirely what the acronym stands for beyond “laughing my … ass off,” for “Party Rock Anthem,” as a cheerleader and in front of the obligatory gospel choir for the formerly controversial “Like a Prayer,” which like previous halftime entertainers Paul McCartney, The Who and the Rolling Stones, used to be dangerous and scare your parents, which is why you liked them.
She dated herself with a “world peace” finale, but it was better than the boring Black-Eyed Peas. Even the biggest button-pusher of our time turns tame to tout her tour and March 12 release. The tour launches from Tel Aviv May 29, treks across Europe and won’t reach North America until August in Philadelphia and Yankee Stadium Sept. 6.
The only thing missing was Elton John, who’s probably busy getting ready to play Wings Stadium in Kalamazoo March 21.
Madonna looked like an ant at her own picnic, but what does she care, this was sheer product placement for her new album, “MDNA,” a sly drug reference to Ecstasy.
Just in time to build to its extravagant conclusion came Friday’s release of the video for “Give Me All Your Luvin’,” with Nicki Minaj. Its football theme tacks techno to a sort of homage to Toni Basil’s 1980s cheerleader anthem, “Mickey,” a staple when the M in MTV stood for music.
It’s not like Madonna could dance in those heels, so she “Vogued” for old time’s sake and played some “Music.”
With a cast of hundreds and piped-in backing track, she kind of disappeared in the mix before she vanished like the Wicked Witch of the West.
I was proud of my girl Kelly Clarkson for not going all Christina Aguilera and flubbing the national anthem. The first American Idol is the real Voice.
It was hard to reconcile reports of intense security with Flavor Flav running around on the sidelines with Billy Eichner, screaming about Madonna for “Conan” O’Brien’s TBS talk show.
Dan Patrick managed to appear bemused and a couple of delirious Giants began talking just because that’s what you do when someone jams a microphone in your face.
I know who I’d like to see at the Super Bowl — AC/DC!

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